life in April

Mom and Dad came to visit!

We went to the mountains for the weekend.

Anna came to visit :)

Noah's laundry....

I am worn out looking at that pile of laundry! But I am trying to blog at least once a month...so here it is....short and sweet.

Tomorrow is Easter. Three years ago, John and I were on a plane to Haiti, getting ready to meet Jacob for the first time on Easter morning.

What an amazing gift!

"the Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob"!

shame vs. the electronics

Now that we are settled in our new area, we have plugged our older son into a gymnastics program nearby. This means on Saturdays the other kids and I sit for numerous hours watching him compete. I played soccer, so I wasn't aware that a child's sporting event could last four to five hours!! My parents were smart.

I know there are countless families that spend their Saturdays at gymnastics meets, but I don't see a lot of other moms wrestling their beloved, adopted, hyper-active sweetie in the bleachers...somehow they had the sense to say no to gymnastics.
But I am not willing to pull Noah out of gymnastics just because Jacob has a difficult time sitting still. Instead...we resort to electronics.

Here is where the shame comes in. Boy, do I ever feel guilt as I look around at the other four year olds coloring calmly in their coloring books, or sitting sweetly while eating their snacks. Nope, not in our world! Jacob is wiggling, bumping people, repeatedly asking for food, gum, my phone, the "weapster" until eventually I cave in...I put on his headphones, his body stops flailing and peace fills up the gym. I can finally watch the meet and see how Noah is doing. At least until the peace is ripped away by the realization that he has been hunched over staring at his leapster for over an hour!

So the hours crawl by as Jacob and I do our routine of "sit still for just five minutes and then you can play on ___________." He plays and plays and plays until I make him take a break. Then he wiggles and pokes his sister until I finally say, "ok! Please just sit still for five minutes, then you can play on ________"

I think I saw 4 out of the 6 events today. That is better than my average.
But we did it...we left the house at 6:30 this morning, entertained the people around us and we departed the gym witout any yelling. No meltdowns by kids or adults. So in my eyes, it was another successful day of gymnastics!

Change

A lot has happened since I wrote last time. On New Years eve my husband got a text that changed our lives. A text! I didn't even know how to text until a few years ago.
The text turned into a phone call, which turned into a lunch, which turned into a job offer, which moved us across the country. In a matter of a few days John packed a month's worth of clothes and was on a flight to start his new job. The kids and I had a little over two weeks to pack the house, notify all our loved ones of our move, pay a substantial amount of money to the public library in late fees and find a home for the dog while we are in transition.
The very worst part of the whole situation was telling my parents. The day we found out the job was a reality, was the day after my parents left the state to visit my sister for a few months. I had to call and tell them we were moving and by the time they got home we would be gone. We would not be a few minutes away anymore, but thousands of miles away. I can truthfully say it was the most heart wrenching phone call I have had to make.
I am convinced that God has opened this door for us. Both John and I are at peace with our decision, but I have not caused the people I love such great pain since I was a self-absorbed teenager. The only positive aspect of being completely self-focused is that I was unaware of the hurt I was causing my loved ones. However, this time I have been keenly aware of the pain we have caused as we unexpectedly dashed out of their everyday lives.
How can following God's leading hurt the people I love?? I am convinced that we are in His will. In fact I was not surprised by the sudden change in our lives. I had been sensing a stirring in my spirit that God was up to something. But I was guessing it had to do with Haiti... (I still think that He is putting that together, but just not letting us in on it yet).
I am learning that following God can be painful and confusing at times. In fact this whole blog was born out of following God into unknown territory which has been difficult and uncomfortable. But in general, I was the only one who was hurting...ok, Grace would disagree. But it was generally me who has struggled, not my neighbors, closest friends, aunt, cousins or parents. It is one thing to step out in faith and struggle as a result, it is quite another to follow after God and inflict pain on loved ones along the way!

So here I sit in the basement of my dear friend's house, one week after arriving. It still feels like a visit more than a move. I don't have enough perspective to be objective and share what God has taught me, but I know He is faithful. For months I had a verse written on a white board in our family room, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will make it a success". I know God's definition of success is different than the world's, but I am certain that it is success that will bring peace and truly satisfy. And that this type of success is what I was made for. So even as my head spins from change, I will continue to wake up each morning and choose to trust God with the ones we can't be near anymore, the house I said yes to buying, without walking ever through it, the house we left behind that I loved. And the new things He is doing in this next chapter of our lives.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams on the wasteland.". Isaiah 43:18-19

The greater thing

What is Christmas really supposed to look like in my home? Not hypothetically, but practically, what would we do differently if Jesus hung out with us from Thanksgiving until Christmas? Would we go to Target together looking for stocking gifts? Would he have waited with the kids and I for 2 hours and 45 minutes at the mall to see Santa?? Does going to church on Christmas eve, buying a few less gifts than last year so we can give more away really impress Him? Is this the way He intended for my family to celebrate His birth?

What about our rich neighbors who are celebrating Christmas as our culture has taught them, oblivious to God's love for them? Do they even know that the root of their discontent and emptiness isn't due to a certain gift they did not receive? Do they know there is actually a hole in their soul that can be filled by the only Gift that satisfies? In my family do they see peace that defies explanation? Do our interactions cause them to long for what we have?

What about all of us Christians? Bustling around, rushing from one activity to the next. Not wanting to say no to anyone because we wouldn't want to be thought of as rude. Meanwhile, in a frantic effort to keep up with our schedules we lose our peace. We live so rapidly that we have begun oozing irritation and frustration all over the ones we are called to love!

If I give my children all the gifts they desire but snap at them because I fear letting anyone down or admit that I am too tired to make more cookies, go to another party or decorate the Christmas tree....what am I teaching my children!? Moreover, what am I teaching the unbelievers who are watching my life? Wouldn't I be a better ambassador for Jesus if I said "no" to a few, or perhaps, many "good" things so that I could truly walk in peace and love? Is my fear of others' disapproval so powerful that it silences the voice of God who is whispering..."it is ok to let that go, come rest with me, let me fill you with my peace so you will drip my love all over the people I bring into your day."
I believe God has been speaking these words to me for many years and it is only recently that I have begun to listen. I am praying that as next Christmas arrives I will be certain that the way my family and I spend our holidays will please God and maybe even inspires a few others to say no to a few things in order to walk in love the way we were meant too.

THERE IS AN ART TO LEAVING THINGS UNDONE SO THE GREATER THING CAN BE DONE

Jacob goes skiing

We went to Colorado last week for a family vacation. We stayed with some of our best friends in Breckinridge. We love to ski and both our older kids started skiing around Jacob's age...
So we rented him skis, and boots, got him all ready and hit the mountain. We lasted one run.
At the top of the lift, right before we were supposed to get off, something made him mad. I still don't know what it was. Whatever it was that ticked him off, frustrated him enough that he started arching his back and tantruming. I thought he was going to fling himself off the lift! I also discovered my "panicked voice". I don't recall ever hearing a voice like that come out of me...that was just getting up the hill.
As we "skiied" down the blue run, John and I took turns holding him under the arms. No green runs at Breckinridge either, everyone starts on blues. The experience was like doing a five minute wall sit at 11,000 feet, holding a 35 pound weight. Needless to say, one run was enough.
Thankfully the ticket was free. He can try skiing again next year.

Timeout

I thought I would use my time wisely and blog while I am waiting for Jacob's time-in to be over...he dumped my Bible and the iPad in one of his toy bins. Two of my precious possessions! So I have 4 minutes of silence...ahhhh. Except for the gunshots from the nearby shooting range, which Jacob loves to hear because he thinks it is fireworks:)
The silence is over now...

The power of words

At this time, Jacob is unable to pronounce "sm", as in "smell". For some reason he has replaced it with the "f" sound. Can you guess where this is going? If there is one consonant to avoid misusing I would think F would be the one!
So, the other day he was feeling sweet and wanted to compliment me.
He looked at me with tenderness and said, "Mom, you fart!"
I searched his face trying to understand if that was truly what he meant to say. But there was no mischievous grin that usually accompanies the potty talk he is amused by. He just kept gazing at me with a loving expression. Finally, after questioning him a few different ways I realized he was telling me I was smart!
Compared to "am don't like your face!" or "you being mean!", I will take a sweet look and "Mom, you fart!"

John with the kids...and if you look really carefully Jacob has a subtle mohawk.

Don't make me fall off my beam!

John went out of town for two days and our semi-difficult routine turned CRAZY! It isn't John's fault, the poor guy needs a break and got to go golfing at some fancy resort in Bandon, courtesy of Toyota. So I was delighted...ok not actually delighted, but at least supportive of him getting this short break.
Apparently Jacob did not like the idea of his dad being gone two nights. He was "disregulated"....that is a word I am learning to use instead of naughty, or In place of other unkind words that may come to mind. If you could see what disregulated looks like at our house you would have sympathy for me!
During these two endless days, my wonderful grandma had her 99th birthday party at her nursing home. Considering Jacob's state of mind, I had him stay at a friends house. I wanted to be fully present to celebrate this milestone with my grandma. I got to be alone in the car with Noah and would't you know it? We ended up talking about Jacob's distinct behavioral changes since John left for the beach.
We were discussing how little it takes to throw him off balance, when Noah the gymnast, came up with the best analogy...

He said, "it's like we are all on balance beams, Grace's balance beam is medium wide, and mine is really wide, but Jacob's is actually just a wire, like a tight-rope. So when anything changes in his life he falls off his wire."
This is exactly what it is like living with a child with attachment and trust issues! We keep a good routine and life for him is predictable so I tend to forget how easily he can become undone or disregulated. So when there has been a small change in our lives it is often his intense behavior that makes me aware of the change. Once again I reminded that he is still healing and even though he looks like he's a tough kid...his heart is still mending.
I am coping ok with him struggling to adapt to change, but I am pretty sure when Jacob falls off his wire, he runs over to my balance beam, climbs up onto it and starts shoving me off! When mom falls off her beam and becomes disregulated that is when it is time for John to come home from the beach!!

He loves me

It is so hard to know what will trigger intense reactions from my liitle guy. Tonight after dinner the boys and the dog were wrestling, and at one point I joined in. John pinned me but was being gentle, however Jacob did not like it. He started crying. He rarely cries out of fear, if he's driven to tears it is usually a result of intense frustration or anger. But he stood there with big tears rolling down his sweet cheeks crying for his Mommy!

If you have had a baby, you know it takes some time before a newborn returns any of the love you lavishly pour on them. But when your baby smiles at you for the first time, it makes all the breastfeeding, loss of sleep and crazy hormones worth it.
I have had some tender moments with Jacob, but none were as meaningful as this. To see my tough guy who struggles to make eye contact when I tell him how much he is loved...to see him standing motionless, crying for me, made all the trials worth it.

After he went to bed, I stood by myself smiling, knowing he has let me in and he loves me! He actually loves me! What courage it must take to trust again after such profound loss. God has done a mighty work in this child's heart. Although there is much more pain and loss he'll need to work through, he has begun to trust and let us into his heart. I am privilledged to be used as part of the healing. I pray that we will continue to be worthy of his trust.


He LOVES me....

funny kid

My friends were mocking my blog and calling it "boring blog"...so in an effort to write lighter and more entertaining content for my two followers..here's what happened at dinner this week.

Jacob was being sweet and said, "Grace, you wondaful. Mom, you wondaful.... Noah, you dumb." We all tried not to laugh until he said, "it was a widdle bit funny, huh?"

He is just as funny as he is frustrating!

Jacob's 4th birthday party

The beloved Zurg toy!

Brothers

G made Jacob a replica of Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb

Gluten and dairy free brownies for Jacob and

Toy Story cupcakes for other kids
It doesn't seem fair :(

running around the park with no shirt

because he got it wet in the fountain!

Yesterday we celebrated Jacob's 4th b-day at the park. It was fun to have so many of our family and friends there. I think this is the first year that he understood that the presents were for him and the whole party was about him. He crazily ripped open the packages without looking at any of the cards but got stuck when he opened the Zurg toy from Toy Story 3. He's been asking for it for months and had to earn it by using the pottie :)
So in a matter of weeks he went from a 3 year old who sleeps in a crib wearing diapers, to a 4 year old sleeping in a bunk bed and wearing underware. WHOOHOO!
It's been a rough few weeks..I don't feel like his behavior is much better than it was months ago, but he's experience a lot of change for a 4 yr. old. Re-painting his room and taking down his crib kinda stressed him out.
But "He who began a good work in him will continue it until the day of Christ Jesus' return".
I'm believing that each day God is healing him and I am just too close and perhaps too tired to be able to see the healing that is happening in him.

After one month of neurological reorganization I am encouraged by the way Jacob is changing, my 98 year old grandma even commented on it. However, the idea of doing two hours of therapy with him every day for a year or more can sometimes feel overwhelming. So I am asking God to write these words on the on my heart..."Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3
I am trusting God and believing his word...I have no other choice, afterall I am in way over my head with this little guy. I am sure this is where God wants me to be though, fully depending on Him. I am currently reading the book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan and in it he says, "God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through." I definately would not say I'm fearless, but I am learning to press on even when I'm afraid. Because I have faith that there will be a day when Jacob is completely healed and whole, passionately living out his God ordained purpose in this life, and I will be able to say...to God be the glory, great things he has done!

Neurological Reorganization

Well, we started a new therapy. I hadn't heard of it until I spoke with another adoptive mom who had done this therapy with her adopted son.
It's quite intensive, but it seems to be making a difference in Jacob's behavior. We've been doing it for two weeks now and the first week he was a WRECK! But after one particularly intense meltdown then a 3 hr. nap, he's been doing better.
I have him crawl on his tummy, we do tactile therapy, (similar to brushing in OT) we do what I call spinning therapy or vestibular movements..there's more but they are even harder to explain.
If we complete them all it takes at least 2 hours. But for the first time, he sat fairly still in public for about 45 minutes. I couldn't believe it. He never stops moving, but he rested on my lap or on the blanket watching the "Reptile Man" at the library :)
I am cautiously optimistic...I figure crawling, spinning and new textures can't hurt him..so we're going for it.
If I were more energetic I'd attach an article or something to describe it all, but I don't know if anyone cares to read it... but if you do, here is the therapists website www.susansbrain.com
It does make me think that there are many adults walking around today who didn't get enough tummy time to make all the necessary connections in the brain and their inappropriate behavior is truly biological, not just stupidity..
It sure is teaching me to be less judgemental.

finally summer!

The logjam, this picture only shows a small part of it.
After 8 months of cold, it has finally decided to warm up! We decided to celebrate John's birthday by going hiking up Oneonta falls. It was a lot of fun. I carried Jacob on my back over the gigantic log jam, Noah did fine by himself, totally in his element and John helped Grace as she dealt with the abundance of nature. She's doing much better than she used to; but dirt, bugs and pokey things that live outside, generally stress her out.
As I was carrying Jacob over the logs he was cheering me on. Saying, "you are so strong mom!"
"Good job" & "wow you are fast!" Every comment was making me smile bigger and bigger. As he would watch John and the kids go by logs he'd shout at them to "duck" or "be careful".
Those are powerful words, words of compassion and caring. Words said by a child who is loved and is learning to love others in return!

Jacob's cousins are coming to visit. We are going to have 3 Haitian 3 year olds staying here! Not to mention their teenage sister, Grace and Noah, oh and the puppy. It should be interesting and definately entertaining.
I will be taking pictures if I have a free hand.
While they are here we are going to have a Haitian picnic. There are three other families that we are going to meet with who adopted from Haiti as well. Two of the families brought their kids home on special Visas because of the earthquake. There will be 8 Haitian kids in all. Kids who have been home from 5 years to only 5 months. It will be powerful and I hope encouraging to see how God can heal over time.

Since we began our adoption journey I have hoped and prayed that God would bring other families into our lives that look like ours. I want Jacob to know he is not the only little boy who doesn't "match" his family. It's exciting to think that on that evening when Jacob looks around, his family will look normal.

I am believing that God will bring many more situations like these into our lives...

One week till they get here :)

it's the little things

Sometimes I get so worn out by all of Jacob's intense activity. His desire to always be in control, his constant motion and his extremely loud voice. But today I saw a few beautiful moments that I want to remember...so when I am brushing his teeth tomorrow and he won't keep his mouth open for more than 2 seconds, I will take a deep breath and remember these little things.

-Tonight, on our way to the car he stood in front of the elevator door, blocking it until I could get in safely. Then as we got out, he kept his eye on me until I was completely out and told me not to get squished.
-He lovingly rested his arm around John's neck, or behind his back through most of dinner.
-He watched Toy Story for the first time today, and afterwards spent 20 minutes running around pretending to be Buzz Lightyear.
-This morning I showered and got ready without having to break up any fights or put him in timeout. It is the first time since he's been home that this has happened!
-He layed his head on my shoulder as we were walking to the car after dinner. This is new behavior too, as opposed to staying upright and refusing to relax.
-and finally, this morning he woke up around 6 which is normal for him and instead of bugging Grace or Noah, or sneaking food out of the pantry, he played in his room quietly!

God is healing him..little by little.

reality

After all our efforts to get Jacob's passport, we aren't going to Costa Rica afterall. They won't allow us to bring him with us. Unless you have lived with a child who's experienced early childhood trauma, it's difficult to understand why it would be such a big deal for us to leave him with Grandma and Grandpa. Especially since they are wonderful and he is very close to them.

He looks so normal playing out in the cul-de-sac, or playing at one of our friend's houses. Ok, maybe a little more hyper and intense than most 3 year olds, but fairly normal. However, it's like a beautiful house with a crooked foundation, it doesn't take much of a storm to cause serious damage.

When we drove to California a few weeks ago, Jacob was away from John for 3 days. He asked repeatedly for John all the way down there, which is fairly normal, but the day before John arrived Jacob was completely silent. He wanted me to hold him and he would barely talk.
The last time I saw similar behavior was the day before we drove away from Colorado as we were moving to Oregon. Grace acted the same way as she was losing all she had ever known, her home, her neighborhood, her school, her friends and Erin. But her behavior was proportionate to her loss. Whereas Jacob's behavior doesn't match the situation.

Here is one more example. During Grace's show, Annie, we got a babysitter for him because I knew he wouldn't be able to sit quietly through the whole thing. He knows her and she's watched him before, but never without the other two kids being home. She said it went, "fine" but the next day he had a horrible day. Many timeouts and tantrums. It was worth it so we could all enjoy watching Grace do her thing without any distractions. But I payed dearly for it.

If that is how he reacts to 3 days away from John, or to being alone with a babysitter, I am sure 5 days without both of us would cause a much more intense reaction.

I have no problem skipping a trip to Costa Rica so we can keep Jacob on the path to wholeness.
Not because I am unselfish, but because I have been walking through his hurt with him over the last two years. I have been the recipiant of much of his anger and defensiveness. The last thing I want to do is go back one step and have to re-do any of the bonding or trust work we have done.

I never would have imagined that two years into this there would still be healing that would need to happen. But I did not have realistic expectations..just like every other mom about to bring home a new baby! It took him over a year to allow me to hold his bottle or sippy cup. This Easter he fell asleep on me for the first time since we were in Haiti. Just today he sat facing me and leaned his head on my shoulder while I was sitting still...and rested there. First time ever!
He's just recently allowing Grace to play with him and redirect or even correct him without flipping out in anger and hitting her. And only this spring is he able to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds.

This is our day to day reality. This is why I nap! But I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I know that I know that I know, we are right in the center of God's will. So we don't get to go to Costa Rica, it's a bummer. But I also know God's looking out for us and there will be other trips, probably even better ones comin' for us...

more paperwork!?!

It's amazing that after two years, there can still be more paperwork to do. We applied for a US passport for Jacob. Just in case John wins a trip to Costa Rica he's competing for at work. It all started by mailing all sorts of irreplaceable documents to some eastcoast state. Then yesterday I get a phone call during our school time. I didn't answer because I am trying to be more disciplined about making sure nothing interferes with our sit down time at the table.
So right before lunch I checked the messages. I heard, "this is Mark" loud talking from children, "Jacob's passport", more noise, "we need more.." chatter from Jacob. I reached to turn the volume up and in my overstimulated, hungry daze I accidentally pushed delete.

I gasped. Finally all the kids were silent, staring at me.

So this morning I spent two hours, (during the time I am trying desperately to preserve for school) trying to reach to Mark in passports, then I made an infopass appointment at our local immigration office, talked to Tim at immigration, Jim our social worker, and then Larry the lawyer.

It all ended with Larry telling me that it will take two months to get the documentation we need in order for Jacob to get his passport. The trip in is two and a half weeks. Nice.

What I did learned today...
*we need to re-adopt Jacob in OR anyway so he can have a US issued birth certificate
*I have matured quite a bit over the years, because I never yelled, cried or freaked out throughout the whole morning even though my entire plan for the school day was obliterated
*I learned a lot about calling government offices and dealing with red tape when I was doing all of Jacob's original adoption paperwork. This type of activity used to really stress me out!
*sometimes it's fun to make up school as you go along. We had a spelling bee today, and Grace and Noah loved it! I know that wouldn't have happened if I my day had gone as planned
*we should be able to travel to Costa Rica afterall with Jacob's Haitian passport and his Permanent Resident card!

Now, I just have to cancel that Infopass appointment for tomorrow at the Immigration office, get Jacob's original documents back from Mark, collect all the documentation we need to re-adopt him and take it to Larry the lawyer. Oh, and figure out what we're doing for school tomorrow.

I'll try again

I am going to try to start blogging again. But we'll see. It's been two years since Jacob has been home and WHOAH! has it been quite a learning and growing experience for all of us. But by the grace of God we are not only hanging in there, but we are thriving! Tired, but thriving.