Sometimes I get so worn out by all of Jacob's intense activity. His desire to always be in control, his constant motion and his extremely loud voice. But today I saw a few beautiful moments that I want to remember...so when I am brushing his teeth tomorrow and he won't keep his mouth open for more than 2 seconds, I will take a deep breath and remember these little things.
-Tonight, on our way to the car he stood in front of the elevator door, blocking it until I could get in safely. Then as we got out, he kept his eye on me until I was completely out and told me not to get squished.
-He lovingly rested his arm around John's neck, or behind his back through most of dinner.
-He watched Toy Story for the first time today, and afterwards spent 20 minutes running around pretending to be Buzz Lightyear.
-This morning I showered and got ready without having to break up any fights or put him in timeout. It is the first time since he's been home that this has happened!
-He layed his head on my shoulder as we were walking to the car after dinner. This is new behavior too, as opposed to staying upright and refusing to relax.
-and finally, this morning he woke up around 6 which is normal for him and instead of bugging Grace or Noah, or sneaking food out of the pantry, he played in his room quietly!
God is healing him..little by little.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
reality
After all our efforts to get Jacob's passport, we aren't going to Costa Rica afterall. They won't allow us to bring him with us. Unless you have lived with a child who's experienced early childhood trauma, it's difficult to understand why it would be such a big deal for us to leave him with Grandma and Grandpa. Especially since they are wonderful and he is very close to them.
He looks so normal playing out in the cul-de-sac, or playing at one of our friend's houses. Ok, maybe a little more hyper and intense than most 3 year olds, but fairly normal. However, it's like a beautiful house with a crooked foundation, it doesn't take much of a storm to cause serious damage.
When we drove to California a few weeks ago, Jacob was away from John for 3 days. He asked repeatedly for John all the way down there, which is fairly normal, but the day before John arrived Jacob was completely silent. He wanted me to hold him and he would barely talk.
The last time I saw similar behavior was the day before we drove away from Colorado as we were moving to Oregon. Grace acted the same way as she was losing all she had ever known, her home, her neighborhood, her school, her friends and Erin. But her behavior was proportionate to her loss. Whereas Jacob's behavior doesn't match the situation.
Here is one more example. During Grace's show, Annie, we got a babysitter for him because I knew he wouldn't be able to sit quietly through the whole thing. He knows her and she's watched him before, but never without the other two kids being home. She said it went, "fine" but the next day he had a horrible day. Many timeouts and tantrums. It was worth it so we could all enjoy watching Grace do her thing without any distractions. But I payed dearly for it.
If that is how he reacts to 3 days away from John, or to being alone with a babysitter, I am sure 5 days without both of us would cause a much more intense reaction.
I have no problem skipping a trip to Costa Rica so we can keep Jacob on the path to wholeness.
Not because I am unselfish, but because I have been walking through his hurt with him over the last two years. I have been the recipiant of much of his anger and defensiveness. The last thing I want to do is go back one step and have to re-do any of the bonding or trust work we have done.
I never would have imagined that two years into this there would still be healing that would need to happen. But I did not have realistic expectations..just like every other mom about to bring home a new baby! It took him over a year to allow me to hold his bottle or sippy cup. This Easter he fell asleep on me for the first time since we were in Haiti. Just today he sat facing me and leaned his head on my shoulder while I was sitting still...and rested there. First time ever!
He's just recently allowing Grace to play with him and redirect or even correct him without flipping out in anger and hitting her. And only this spring is he able to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds.
This is our day to day reality. This is why I nap! But I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I know that I know that I know, we are right in the center of God's will. So we don't get to go to Costa Rica, it's a bummer. But I also know God's looking out for us and there will be other trips, probably even better ones comin' for us...
He looks so normal playing out in the cul-de-sac, or playing at one of our friend's houses. Ok, maybe a little more hyper and intense than most 3 year olds, but fairly normal. However, it's like a beautiful house with a crooked foundation, it doesn't take much of a storm to cause serious damage.
When we drove to California a few weeks ago, Jacob was away from John for 3 days. He asked repeatedly for John all the way down there, which is fairly normal, but the day before John arrived Jacob was completely silent. He wanted me to hold him and he would barely talk.
The last time I saw similar behavior was the day before we drove away from Colorado as we were moving to Oregon. Grace acted the same way as she was losing all she had ever known, her home, her neighborhood, her school, her friends and Erin. But her behavior was proportionate to her loss. Whereas Jacob's behavior doesn't match the situation.
Here is one more example. During Grace's show, Annie, we got a babysitter for him because I knew he wouldn't be able to sit quietly through the whole thing. He knows her and she's watched him before, but never without the other two kids being home. She said it went, "fine" but the next day he had a horrible day. Many timeouts and tantrums. It was worth it so we could all enjoy watching Grace do her thing without any distractions. But I payed dearly for it.
If that is how he reacts to 3 days away from John, or to being alone with a babysitter, I am sure 5 days without both of us would cause a much more intense reaction.
I have no problem skipping a trip to Costa Rica so we can keep Jacob on the path to wholeness.
Not because I am unselfish, but because I have been walking through his hurt with him over the last two years. I have been the recipiant of much of his anger and defensiveness. The last thing I want to do is go back one step and have to re-do any of the bonding or trust work we have done.
I never would have imagined that two years into this there would still be healing that would need to happen. But I did not have realistic expectations..just like every other mom about to bring home a new baby! It took him over a year to allow me to hold his bottle or sippy cup. This Easter he fell asleep on me for the first time since we were in Haiti. Just today he sat facing me and leaned his head on my shoulder while I was sitting still...and rested there. First time ever!
He's just recently allowing Grace to play with him and redirect or even correct him without flipping out in anger and hitting her. And only this spring is he able to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds.
This is our day to day reality. This is why I nap! But I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I know that I know that I know, we are right in the center of God's will. So we don't get to go to Costa Rica, it's a bummer. But I also know God's looking out for us and there will be other trips, probably even better ones comin' for us...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
more paperwork!?!
It's amazing that after two years, there can still be more paperwork to do. We applied for a US passport for Jacob. Just in case John wins a trip to Costa Rica he's competing for at work. It all started by mailing all sorts of irreplaceable documents to some eastcoast state. Then yesterday I get a phone call during our school time. I didn't answer because I am trying to be more disciplined about making sure nothing interferes with our sit down time at the table.
So right before lunch I checked the messages. I heard, "this is Mark" loud talking from children, "Jacob's passport", more noise, "we need more.." chatter from Jacob. I reached to turn the volume up and in my overstimulated, hungry daze I accidentally pushed delete.
I gasped. Finally all the kids were silent, staring at me.
So this morning I spent two hours, (during the time I am trying desperately to preserve for school) trying to reach to Mark in passports, then I made an infopass appointment at our local immigration office, talked to Tim at immigration, Jim our social worker, and then Larry the lawyer.
It all ended with Larry telling me that it will take two months to get the documentation we need in order for Jacob to get his passport. The trip in is two and a half weeks. Nice.
What I did learned today...
*we need to re-adopt Jacob in OR anyway so he can have a US issued birth certificate
*I have matured quite a bit over the years, because I never yelled, cried or freaked out throughout the whole morning even though my entire plan for the school day was obliterated
*I learned a lot about calling government offices and dealing with red tape when I was doing all of Jacob's original adoption paperwork. This type of activity used to really stress me out!
*sometimes it's fun to make up school as you go along. We had a spelling bee today, and Grace and Noah loved it! I know that wouldn't have happened if I my day had gone as planned
*we should be able to travel to Costa Rica afterall with Jacob's Haitian passport and his Permanent Resident card!
Now, I just have to cancel that Infopass appointment for tomorrow at the Immigration office, get Jacob's original documents back from Mark, collect all the documentation we need to re-adopt him and take it to Larry the lawyer. Oh, and figure out what we're doing for school tomorrow.
So right before lunch I checked the messages. I heard, "this is Mark" loud talking from children, "Jacob's passport", more noise, "we need more.." chatter from Jacob. I reached to turn the volume up and in my overstimulated, hungry daze I accidentally pushed delete.
I gasped. Finally all the kids were silent, staring at me.
So this morning I spent two hours, (during the time I am trying desperately to preserve for school) trying to reach to Mark in passports, then I made an infopass appointment at our local immigration office, talked to Tim at immigration, Jim our social worker, and then Larry the lawyer.
It all ended with Larry telling me that it will take two months to get the documentation we need in order for Jacob to get his passport. The trip in is two and a half weeks. Nice.
What I did learned today...
*we need to re-adopt Jacob in OR anyway so he can have a US issued birth certificate
*I have matured quite a bit over the years, because I never yelled, cried or freaked out throughout the whole morning even though my entire plan for the school day was obliterated
*I learned a lot about calling government offices and dealing with red tape when I was doing all of Jacob's original adoption paperwork. This type of activity used to really stress me out!
*sometimes it's fun to make up school as you go along. We had a spelling bee today, and Grace and Noah loved it! I know that wouldn't have happened if I my day had gone as planned
*we should be able to travel to Costa Rica afterall with Jacob's Haitian passport and his Permanent Resident card!
Now, I just have to cancel that Infopass appointment for tomorrow at the Immigration office, get Jacob's original documents back from Mark, collect all the documentation we need to re-adopt him and take it to Larry the lawyer. Oh, and figure out what we're doing for school tomorrow.
I'll try again
I am going to try to start blogging again. But we'll see. It's been two years since Jacob has been home and WHOAH! has it been quite a learning and growing experience for all of us. But by the grace of God we are not only hanging in there, but we are thriving! Tired, but thriving.
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