reality

After all our efforts to get Jacob's passport, we aren't going to Costa Rica afterall. They won't allow us to bring him with us. Unless you have lived with a child who's experienced early childhood trauma, it's difficult to understand why it would be such a big deal for us to leave him with Grandma and Grandpa. Especially since they are wonderful and he is very close to them.

He looks so normal playing out in the cul-de-sac, or playing at one of our friend's houses. Ok, maybe a little more hyper and intense than most 3 year olds, but fairly normal. However, it's like a beautiful house with a crooked foundation, it doesn't take much of a storm to cause serious damage.

When we drove to California a few weeks ago, Jacob was away from John for 3 days. He asked repeatedly for John all the way down there, which is fairly normal, but the day before John arrived Jacob was completely silent. He wanted me to hold him and he would barely talk.
The last time I saw similar behavior was the day before we drove away from Colorado as we were moving to Oregon. Grace acted the same way as she was losing all she had ever known, her home, her neighborhood, her school, her friends and Erin. But her behavior was proportionate to her loss. Whereas Jacob's behavior doesn't match the situation.

Here is one more example. During Grace's show, Annie, we got a babysitter for him because I knew he wouldn't be able to sit quietly through the whole thing. He knows her and she's watched him before, but never without the other two kids being home. She said it went, "fine" but the next day he had a horrible day. Many timeouts and tantrums. It was worth it so we could all enjoy watching Grace do her thing without any distractions. But I payed dearly for it.

If that is how he reacts to 3 days away from John, or to being alone with a babysitter, I am sure 5 days without both of us would cause a much more intense reaction.

I have no problem skipping a trip to Costa Rica so we can keep Jacob on the path to wholeness.
Not because I am unselfish, but because I have been walking through his hurt with him over the last two years. I have been the recipiant of much of his anger and defensiveness. The last thing I want to do is go back one step and have to re-do any of the bonding or trust work we have done.

I never would have imagined that two years into this there would still be healing that would need to happen. But I did not have realistic expectations..just like every other mom about to bring home a new baby! It took him over a year to allow me to hold his bottle or sippy cup. This Easter he fell asleep on me for the first time since we were in Haiti. Just today he sat facing me and leaned his head on my shoulder while I was sitting still...and rested there. First time ever!
He's just recently allowing Grace to play with him and redirect or even correct him without flipping out in anger and hitting her. And only this spring is he able to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds.

This is our day to day reality. This is why I nap! But I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I know that I know that I know, we are right in the center of God's will. So we don't get to go to Costa Rica, it's a bummer. But I also know God's looking out for us and there will be other trips, probably even better ones comin' for us...