5 story fall

It has been five years since we brought this little fire-cracker home from Haiti.  It has taken nearly that long for me to realize that the struggles we deal with are our "new normal".  Month after month I kept thinking that as soon as we can solve this behavior problem or that relationship issue, then our life will go back to normal.  But it wasn't until recently that began to move towards acceptance of this new normal as I learned the concept of the "Five Story Fall".

This winter I spent some time in a support group that was lead by a wise woman named Paula Freeman.  She is an adoptive mom and has written a book for women who, through difficult adoption experiences, have found themselves lost and hopeless.  In her book called, A Place I Didn't Belong, she describes what she calls the Five Story Fall.

"We don't expect a person who falls from five story window to walk away unscathed; they'd be lucky to survive!"  "I believe it's fair to assume a five-story-fall-survivor will never be the same.  They may not walk again.  If they do, there would certainly be a noticeable limp." (Paula Freeman)  This idea of walking with a limp aptly describes the pain and wounds children bear who have come from hard places.  Many look normal and yet they carry hurts and scars that may stay with them for a lifetime.

Why did I initially believe that after a few months at home my little guy would be healed and fit perfectly in with my agenda and our family's busy life?  Looking back it seems shockingly naive.  At the time, I hoped he would come to us without emotional scars.  I prayed if he was hurting that after enough love he wouldn't display any residual effects from the first 18 months of his life.  However, five years into our adoption journey I am forced to accept that there is still much healing to be done. 

Do I continue to pray for total restoration of his spirit and soul?  Daily!  Do I believe God can heal the broken hearted and bring beauty out of ashes?  Oh, yes!  Will he do it in this lifetime?  I don't know.

However, I know the Bible says my life is like "a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." (James 4:14)  And as believers in Christ we will encounter trials.. "These troubles test your faith and prove that it is pure. And such faith is worth more than gold. Gold can be proved to be pure by fire, but gold will ruin. When your faith is proven to be pure, the result will be praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ comes."(1 Peter 7)  So as I live with my sweetie over the next 5, 10 or 15 years watching my beloved son bear the scars of his Five Story Fall I know there is hope.  I pray that he will decide to give his life to Christ and at that time, not only will the angels be partying but I will be too.  

I don't know what wounds you carry or whether you have experienced a Five Story Fall or even just a Two Story Fall.  Or perhaps if you are like me you live with someone who has experienced hurt that manifests itself regularly. After all, we live in a broken and hurting world and none of us make it through unscathed.  However, as I reflect on my life during these past five years I know the lessons God is teaching me are applicable to each of us. 

This life is temporary, like a mist, and trials which test our faith and prove it to be pure will result in praise and glory and honor when Jesus returns.

In addition, there will come a day when Jesus will wipe away the tears from every face. (Is. 25:8)

And finally, I like to imagine Jesus taking one of his scarred hands and placing it on my little fire-cracker's heart while looking him in the eye with the love of a perfect father and saying, "my child you are healed."  

 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [curing their pains and their sorrows] 

Psalm 147:3 AMP

"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word."

2 Thessalonians 2:16,17

The many moods of J

What a sweet face!

This is J eating at a restaurant he loves.

This is J waiting for his sister at the American Girl store.

There's not really that much to say....

Rosegaelle

Here is our latest...

Rosegaelle!

Our 1st separation...

This is Bordeaux, France.  We stayed here in April.  It was our first time away from Jacob since we brought him home in Spring 2008.   He did great!!! Praise God!

So here is the backstory...

Last fall John's work held a contest, the prize was a 9 day trip to France.  He won!

About two years ago John won a trip to Costa Rica through work.  At that time I knew it was too soon to leave Jacob.  When he shared that he'd won I told him I would go only if we could take Jacob with us.  His company refused to allow us to pay and bring him along.  So we passed down the trip.  It was a difficult decision but we knew it was the right choice and that in the long run Jacob's attachment was infinately more important than a few days in Costa Rica.

So when John told me the news that he had a shot at winning this trip to France.  I began to pray.

Pray that I would not hold onto it too tightly, pray that my parents would be available and willing to stay with the kids for NINE days, pray that God would prepare Jacob's heart if we were able to go and pray that John would win.."only if it's your will, God"  I always added that at the end, trying with all my heart to mean it.

Did I mention I majored in French in college and spent time studying there before John and I got married?  As complicated as Les Francais are, there is something about their country and their culture that I am drawn to. This is the one place I REALLY wanted to go.

In January John found out that he'd won, but actually he'd EARNED the trip to France.

I began to plan!  From January until April, like a crazy woman I planned out everything I could.  

Talked with our amazing adoption counselor, made a binder of ideas, maps, kids' schedules, dentist, doctor, hospital information.  I laminated pictures of us and taped them above his bed so he could look at our faces. John and I even took the stuffed animal we'd sent him when he was still in the orphanage back to Build a Bear and recorded our voices telling him we loved him.  Oh, and John also said, "Lay down, punk!" on it.  Which is the last thing he says to Jacob as he puts him to bed, while simultaneously shoving Jacob's head onto the pillow.  (it must be a testosterone thing, because Jacob thinks it is the best bedtime ritual of all!)  Who knew?

On and on I planned and eventually April came and we flew business class to France.  AAAAH!

That alone was incredible!

This was the first hotel we stayed in..Les Sources de Caudalie.  Our room was on the ground where the table and chairs are.  Unfortunately it was too cold and rainy to sit outside.  But the view out our window, looking out at the vineyard, was unbelievable.

We took a vintage car tour through the country visiting local vineyards.

After a few days in Bordeaux we took a train to Paris.

We took a cruise down the Seine river...

It rained every day during our trip, but there were moments like this when the sun would shine through the clouds and the scenery was breathtaking.

On our last night in Paris we were picked up at our hotel and driven the Baccarate Museum for a "farewell gala"  My first official "gala". I feel very fancy now.

 Finally, we were spoiled rotten and ready to come home to these cuties!!

Ok, these are pictures from Christmas, but everyone still looks the same! 

France was amazing, but I wouldn't exchange my grocery shopping, homeschooling, sibling referee-ing, carpooling life for anything!

Intensity

This morning Jacob and I were at his OT appointment. This week was the second time his therapist had been with him, so she's still trying to figure him out. We are trying to find was to help him slow his body down.... even just a little bit.
Towards the end of our designated time she looked at me and said, "he seems like he has an intense personality."
I responded graciously, but I think her statement might have deserved an emphatic,
"DUH!"
Luckily, it was early and I wasn't awake enough to be sarcastic.

When Jacob was three he was playing with a large group of homeschool kids. One of his friends was named Savannah. She was a petite, blonde girl from the South and was only a few months younger than him. At that time, I had to watch him consistently since he hadn't learned about personal space or being gentle with tender-hearted children. Well, apparently I became distracted. All of a sudden Savannah's mom and I heard her crying. She came looking for comfort from her mom and we tried to understand the reason for her crying. Even though I didn't know what had happened, I was pretty sure I knew who had caused the tears.
I pulled Jacob close and interrogated him. This is what he said, "I was runnin', and I GET HER, and I liked it!"
What could I say to that?? I laughed so hard, I don't even think he got in trouble. Poor Savannah. I know they recently moved back to the South, I wonder why?

Restoration

Sometimes I forget......

Jacob, on right, 3 months

Jacob, 5 years, freely recieving love


Praise God, for He has done mighty things in our midst!

Grandma

I have only met one 99 year old. It's my Grandma, Golden.

She will be 100 in October. As I am spending time at my parents' house I have had the chance to visit her.

I am leaving town in a few days and there is no guarantee that I will get to see her again, this side of heaven.

I found these wonderful pictures on my dad's computer, so I thought I would honor my amazing grandma and blog about her. I wonder if I'd be able to explain to her what blogging is....

That cute little boy is my dad. The older woman is my great-grandma.

This picture is the image I have in my head when I think of my grandma. I know she looks much older these days, but this is how I see her. I remember my grandpa calling for her..."Goldie!!"

When I think about my great-grandma who immigrated from England, without her parents at the turn of the century, I am amazed at her bravery. Then I consider my grandma who was a traveling preacher during a time when women ministers were not a commonality, I guess it's no wonder that my sister and I are not doing "normal" things in our lives.

Here is Grandma holding my older sister. Who would have known that she'd be a mother of a toddler and a baby while finishing her doctorate at Virginia Tech? It seems that driven women run in our family. I am grateful for the legacy she has left us. She is a strong, godly woman. Selfishly, I hope she lives to celebrate 100 years in October, but with a heart full of love and compassion for her I pray Jesus calls her home soon. We will loose much, but she will gain all that's really worth attaining.

Well done, you upright and faithful servant! You have been faithful and trustworthy over a little; I will put you in charge of much. Enter into and share the joy which your master enjoys.

Matthew 25:21

the stories behind the pictures

Aunt Jenni and Grace

Jacob and his cousin

Family trip to the zoo

G&I

Grandma with the kids


I wish the smiles told the whole story! The day at the zoo was great, but there has been a lot of ups and downs in the few days we've been home. I am recovering from some bizarre summer cold that vaporized my voice for over a week. I am choosing to believe it is a cold, not a God- ordained period of muteness. However, the mysterious inability to speak began the morning after I yelled at the neighbor kids. Hey, it had been a long day and I was trying to work peacefully, outside on the computer, when out of nowhere at 9:00 there were screaming pre-teens disturbing my solitude! (I have already taken time to apologize...but since I couldn't talk, I could only e-mail my apology..that made it less painful)
I have had two kids with fevers....which means we have unintentionally exposed most of our loved ones to our various sicknesses over these last days. I carried sick Jacob through the pouring July, yes, July rain so I could go to church.
I am hoping tomorrow the weather will be sunny and all of us will be well.
But if not, I know years from now I'll look at these zoo pictures with nostalgia and say to myself, "Wasn't that a wonderful time? Those really were the good old days.."

Napping...

I don't know what is going on with Jacob...but all of a sudden he is taking naps! Whooohooooo!

This little guy has fought naps since he came home three years ago, but in the last week and at age 4 1/2 he has napped three times.He runs and plays harder than any child I have know, so he has needed to sleep more. In fact he's usually worn out and grouchy by 5:00.

Maybe he is finally letting his guard down and learning to trust that he is safe. He used to wake up at the slightest noise as if his brain were perpetually on "fight or flight". John and I have noticed over the last months that we can kiss him, turn the light on, move him if we have to but he doesn't wake up at night once he's alseep.

But this whole napping thing is just too good to believe! In fact he's taking a nap right now ;)

I know I am going to pay for letting him sleep into the evening, but sometimes a quiet house is worth it!

This last week has been crazy, I could use the quiet. It has been "tech week" for Grace as she has rehearsed for "OZ" the musical. I knew it would be crazy since the performances are 30 minutes from our house. However, I didn't count on running to JoAnn's to buy silver fabric for her costume and "facial sequins" as Noah called them, or multiple trips to the party store for fake lashes and white tule, or John's late night Walgreens run to get eyelash glue. Then there was the 45 minute trip to the city to pick up some hoop skirts and monkey wings at a very cool costume shop. In addition, my mom flew out to surprise the kids and see Grace's musical.

This is the first musical she has been involved in since we moved across the country and away from her and "Papa". The idea of her performing without one of her #1 fans being there to support her was heartbreaking. So my parents and I cooked up a little surprise. I picked her up at the airport after the kids were in bed. The next morning my mom called us and asked the kids to look in the basement for the a sweater she left when she was visiting last time. They went searching downstairs, they didn't find her sweater but they found something better, Grandma!

life in April

Mom and Dad came to visit!

We went to the mountains for the weekend.

Anna came to visit :)

Noah's laundry....

I am worn out looking at that pile of laundry! But I am trying to blog at least once a month...so here it is....short and sweet.

Tomorrow is Easter. Three years ago, John and I were on a plane to Haiti, getting ready to meet Jacob for the first time on Easter morning.

What an amazing gift!

"the Lord has redeemed his servant Jacob"!

shame vs. the electronics

Now that we are settled in our new area, we have plugged our older son into a gymnastics program nearby. This means on Saturdays the other kids and I sit for numerous hours watching him compete. I played soccer, so I wasn't aware that a child's sporting event could last four to five hours!! My parents were smart.

I know there are countless families that spend their Saturdays at gymnastics meets, but I don't see a lot of other moms wrestling their beloved, adopted, hyper-active sweetie in the bleachers...somehow they had the sense to say no to gymnastics.
But I am not willing to pull Noah out of gymnastics just because Jacob has a difficult time sitting still. Instead...we resort to electronics.

Here is where the shame comes in. Boy, do I ever feel guilt as I look around at the other four year olds coloring calmly in their coloring books, or sitting sweetly while eating their snacks. Nope, not in our world! Jacob is wiggling, bumping people, repeatedly asking for food, gum, my phone, the "weapster" until eventually I cave in...I put on his headphones, his body stops flailing and peace fills up the gym. I can finally watch the meet and see how Noah is doing. At least until the peace is ripped away by the realization that he has been hunched over staring at his leapster for over an hour!

So the hours crawl by as Jacob and I do our routine of "sit still for just five minutes and then you can play on ___________." He plays and plays and plays until I make him take a break. Then he wiggles and pokes his sister until I finally say, "ok! Please just sit still for five minutes, then you can play on ________"

I think I saw 4 out of the 6 events today. That is better than my average.
But we did it...we left the house at 6:30 this morning, entertained the people around us and we departed the gym witout any yelling. No meltdowns by kids or adults. So in my eyes, it was another successful day of gymnastics!

Change

A lot has happened since I wrote last time. On New Years eve my husband got a text that changed our lives. A text! I didn't even know how to text until a few years ago.
The text turned into a phone call, which turned into a lunch, which turned into a job offer, which moved us across the country. In a matter of a few days John packed a month's worth of clothes and was on a flight to start his new job. The kids and I had a little over two weeks to pack the house, notify all our loved ones of our move, pay a substantial amount of money to the public library in late fees and find a home for the dog while we are in transition.
The very worst part of the whole situation was telling my parents. The day we found out the job was a reality, was the day after my parents left the state to visit my sister for a few months. I had to call and tell them we were moving and by the time they got home we would be gone. We would not be a few minutes away anymore, but thousands of miles away. I can truthfully say it was the most heart wrenching phone call I have had to make.
I am convinced that God has opened this door for us. Both John and I are at peace with our decision, but I have not caused the people I love such great pain since I was a self-absorbed teenager. The only positive aspect of being completely self-focused is that I was unaware of the hurt I was causing my loved ones. However, this time I have been keenly aware of the pain we have caused as we unexpectedly dashed out of their everyday lives.
How can following God's leading hurt the people I love?? I am convinced that we are in His will. In fact I was not surprised by the sudden change in our lives. I had been sensing a stirring in my spirit that God was up to something. But I was guessing it had to do with Haiti... (I still think that He is putting that together, but just not letting us in on it yet).
I am learning that following God can be painful and confusing at times. In fact this whole blog was born out of following God into unknown territory which has been difficult and uncomfortable. But in general, I was the only one who was hurting...ok, Grace would disagree. But it was generally me who has struggled, not my neighbors, closest friends, aunt, cousins or parents. It is one thing to step out in faith and struggle as a result, it is quite another to follow after God and inflict pain on loved ones along the way!

So here I sit in the basement of my dear friend's house, one week after arriving. It still feels like a visit more than a move. I don't have enough perspective to be objective and share what God has taught me, but I know He is faithful. For months I had a verse written on a white board in our family room, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will make it a success". I know God's definition of success is different than the world's, but I am certain that it is success that will bring peace and truly satisfy. And that this type of success is what I was made for. So even as my head spins from change, I will continue to wake up each morning and choose to trust God with the ones we can't be near anymore, the house I said yes to buying, without walking ever through it, the house we left behind that I loved. And the new things He is doing in this next chapter of our lives.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams on the wasteland.". Isaiah 43:18-19

The greater thing

What is Christmas really supposed to look like in my home? Not hypothetically, but practically, what would we do differently if Jesus hung out with us from Thanksgiving until Christmas? Would we go to Target together looking for stocking gifts? Would he have waited with the kids and I for 2 hours and 45 minutes at the mall to see Santa?? Does going to church on Christmas eve, buying a few less gifts than last year so we can give more away really impress Him? Is this the way He intended for my family to celebrate His birth?

What about our rich neighbors who are celebrating Christmas as our culture has taught them, oblivious to God's love for them? Do they even know that the root of their discontent and emptiness isn't due to a certain gift they did not receive? Do they know there is actually a hole in their soul that can be filled by the only Gift that satisfies? In my family do they see peace that defies explanation? Do our interactions cause them to long for what we have?

What about all of us Christians? Bustling around, rushing from one activity to the next. Not wanting to say no to anyone because we wouldn't want to be thought of as rude. Meanwhile, in a frantic effort to keep up with our schedules we lose our peace. We live so rapidly that we have begun oozing irritation and frustration all over the ones we are called to love!

If I give my children all the gifts they desire but snap at them because I fear letting anyone down or admit that I am too tired to make more cookies, go to another party or decorate the Christmas tree....what am I teaching my children!? Moreover, what am I teaching the unbelievers who are watching my life? Wouldn't I be a better ambassador for Jesus if I said "no" to a few, or perhaps, many "good" things so that I could truly walk in peace and love? Is my fear of others' disapproval so powerful that it silences the voice of God who is whispering..."it is ok to let that go, come rest with me, let me fill you with my peace so you will drip my love all over the people I bring into your day."
I believe God has been speaking these words to me for many years and it is only recently that I have begun to listen. I am praying that as next Christmas arrives I will be certain that the way my family and I spend our holidays will please God and maybe even inspires a few others to say no to a few things in order to walk in love the way we were meant too.

THERE IS AN ART TO LEAVING THINGS UNDONE SO THE GREATER THING CAN BE DONE

Jacob goes skiing

We went to Colorado last week for a family vacation. We stayed with some of our best friends in Breckinridge. We love to ski and both our older kids started skiing around Jacob's age...
So we rented him skis, and boots, got him all ready and hit the mountain. We lasted one run.
At the top of the lift, right before we were supposed to get off, something made him mad. I still don't know what it was. Whatever it was that ticked him off, frustrated him enough that he started arching his back and tantruming. I thought he was going to fling himself off the lift! I also discovered my "panicked voice". I don't recall ever hearing a voice like that come out of me...that was just getting up the hill.
As we "skiied" down the blue run, John and I took turns holding him under the arms. No green runs at Breckinridge either, everyone starts on blues. The experience was like doing a five minute wall sit at 11,000 feet, holding a 35 pound weight. Needless to say, one run was enough.
Thankfully the ticket was free. He can try skiing again next year.

Timeout

I thought I would use my time wisely and blog while I am waiting for Jacob's time-in to be over...he dumped my Bible and the iPad in one of his toy bins. Two of my precious possessions! So I have 4 minutes of silence...ahhhh. Except for the gunshots from the nearby shooting range, which Jacob loves to hear because he thinks it is fireworks:)
The silence is over now...

The power of words

At this time, Jacob is unable to pronounce "sm", as in "smell". For some reason he has replaced it with the "f" sound. Can you guess where this is going? If there is one consonant to avoid misusing I would think F would be the one!
So, the other day he was feeling sweet and wanted to compliment me.
He looked at me with tenderness and said, "Mom, you fart!"
I searched his face trying to understand if that was truly what he meant to say. But there was no mischievous grin that usually accompanies the potty talk he is amused by. He just kept gazing at me with a loving expression. Finally, after questioning him a few different ways I realized he was telling me I was smart!
Compared to "am don't like your face!" or "you being mean!", I will take a sweet look and "Mom, you fart!"

John with the kids...and if you look really carefully Jacob has a subtle mohawk.

Don't make me fall off my beam!

John went out of town for two days and our semi-difficult routine turned CRAZY! It isn't John's fault, the poor guy needs a break and got to go golfing at some fancy resort in Bandon, courtesy of Toyota. So I was delighted...ok not actually delighted, but at least supportive of him getting this short break.
Apparently Jacob did not like the idea of his dad being gone two nights. He was "disregulated"....that is a word I am learning to use instead of naughty, or In place of other unkind words that may come to mind. If you could see what disregulated looks like at our house you would have sympathy for me!
During these two endless days, my wonderful grandma had her 99th birthday party at her nursing home. Considering Jacob's state of mind, I had him stay at a friends house. I wanted to be fully present to celebrate this milestone with my grandma. I got to be alone in the car with Noah and would't you know it? We ended up talking about Jacob's distinct behavioral changes since John left for the beach.
We were discussing how little it takes to throw him off balance, when Noah the gymnast, came up with the best analogy...

He said, "it's like we are all on balance beams, Grace's balance beam is medium wide, and mine is really wide, but Jacob's is actually just a wire, like a tight-rope. So when anything changes in his life he falls off his wire."
This is exactly what it is like living with a child with attachment and trust issues! We keep a good routine and life for him is predictable so I tend to forget how easily he can become undone or disregulated. So when there has been a small change in our lives it is often his intense behavior that makes me aware of the change. Once again I reminded that he is still healing and even though he looks like he's a tough kid...his heart is still mending.
I am coping ok with him struggling to adapt to change, but I am pretty sure when Jacob falls off his wire, he runs over to my balance beam, climbs up onto it and starts shoving me off! When mom falls off her beam and becomes disregulated that is when it is time for John to come home from the beach!!

He loves me

It is so hard to know what will trigger intense reactions from my liitle guy. Tonight after dinner the boys and the dog were wrestling, and at one point I joined in. John pinned me but was being gentle, however Jacob did not like it. He started crying. He rarely cries out of fear, if he's driven to tears it is usually a result of intense frustration or anger. But he stood there with big tears rolling down his sweet cheeks crying for his Mommy!

If you have had a baby, you know it takes some time before a newborn returns any of the love you lavishly pour on them. But when your baby smiles at you for the first time, it makes all the breastfeeding, loss of sleep and crazy hormones worth it.
I have had some tender moments with Jacob, but none were as meaningful as this. To see my tough guy who struggles to make eye contact when I tell him how much he is loved...to see him standing motionless, crying for me, made all the trials worth it.

After he went to bed, I stood by myself smiling, knowing he has let me in and he loves me! He actually loves me! What courage it must take to trust again after such profound loss. God has done a mighty work in this child's heart. Although there is much more pain and loss he'll need to work through, he has begun to trust and let us into his heart. I am privilledged to be used as part of the healing. I pray that we will continue to be worthy of his trust.


He LOVES me....

funny kid

My friends were mocking my blog and calling it "boring blog"...so in an effort to write lighter and more entertaining content for my two followers..here's what happened at dinner this week.

Jacob was being sweet and said, "Grace, you wondaful. Mom, you wondaful.... Noah, you dumb." We all tried not to laugh until he said, "it was a widdle bit funny, huh?"

He is just as funny as he is frustrating!